Grumpy Bitch

I've been in a bad mood today. It might stem from a slightly hungover train journey home this morning, the drizzly rain ruining the collective happy vibe we all had last week, missing my boyfriend (as we all know, Sundays are the worst when you've not got your SO) or just being in 'one of those moods', but these are the thoughts I've had so far today, and I can tell you, I'm a delight...

'You just don't post enough pictures of your face on FB. Really, please - post more.'

'No, German Lady, I don't know if this is your train, because it's YOUR train, not mine.'

'OH, you had a baby? I hadn't realised, what with your 50,689276483927 pictures of them. Congrats.'

'Yes, writing a message on your phone whilst walking down the stairs is A GREAT IDEA, especially with your suitcase in the other hand blocking everyone else's way. Well done.'

'Seriously? The pavement? THE PAVEMENT is where you choose to walk and read and drink a coffee at the same time?'

'Stand on the right. No, The Right. Ah, no, it's fine, we all like standing behind you whilst you BREAK THE GOD DAMN RULES.'

'Wait, what, you bought what? You're crazy, you did not just buy that. OH no, you didn't - you just took a picture of it in a shop and hash tagged it 'swag'. That's totally normal.'

'I need to stop using pubic transport and going on social media.'

Job done.

In support of girls, women, sisterhood, females; basically all of those who own a vagina.

It's funny, being a girl...er, woman, at this age, at this time of life, but I'm digging it. I've never felt more in control of who I am or what I believe in, and I know that sounds like I'm a smug prick, but bear with me.

Basically, I'm loosely doing that 'being a friend to yourself' thing and although I've not had a particularly tough time compared to other people as I've grown up, I've not been the nicest to myself or the most supportive. As a teenager I was one of those girls that the boys grew up around, literally - weighing around 11 stone and being 5'6" at 13 was always going to be a fun experience - and I had my period waaaaaaay early at 10. TEN. WTF. IKR.

So with that, body image has always been 'my thing' - you know, everyone has something, their 'thing' - and this was such a focus of mine for such a long time; the fat, the wobbliness, the stretch marks, the dimples and the hateful, hateful cellulite. Also, I may add, I've got one corker of a nose on me, so my overall opinion of myself was pretty low, but I wish I could have just told my teenage self that the funnest years are to come, that all that time spent staring at the mirror telling yourself how gross you are could have been better spent (shoplifting, kissing boys, getting drunk in the park - I JEST) because as you get older, things just start to... align. Body image, life outlook, opinions, what you deem right and wrong, your social conscience and basically, the things in life that are actually important. Like, day-to-day important; friends, family, *that* person, a career, politics, the environment, your conduct, equality, freedom, morals. Also, at the age of 31, I quite like my nose now. It's very 'me'.

I'm not apologising for or disapproving of teenage me because she didn't know at the time that, actually, she was perfectly fine - she wasn't ugly, she wasn't fat, she wasn't weird, she was just an average girl with a face people seemed to like and a good one liner that could make people laugh (I still do that, right? RIGHT.) That's what is a little frustrating with being able to look back and have this new found....wisdom? I know, WISDOM? Sounds wanky, but it's true none the less.

If you told all of your new midway-to-grown-up-life-knowledge to your old you, they'd never listen because at that age, you don't, let's be fair, and I want my old her to have made her mistakes anyway, to have learned from them and to grow from the outcome. But, if only I could diminish the other bits; the self doubt, the insecurity, the oppression put on them by being born a girl, for just happening to have this as her gender and having to put up with ALL of the shit that comes with that and the wasted years of loathing, because if a teenage girl can be 100% positive in her body and her mind, in her beliefs and her rights, to be so fully aware of the potential in her without all of the other bullshit, imagine what this girl could do.