TURN OFF THE INTERNET

So much has happened this year to the world and in the UK; it's been so crazy and my eyes have been opened more than ever, so much so that sometimes I've fallen foul of feeling scared, worried and anxious about everything, small scale to large scale. I sometimes wonder if being ignorant is the way to a little bit of a nicer life, but then I think I wouldn't like it if I wasn't aware and I was in a bubble.

Donald Trump calling for Bill Gates to 'turn off the internet' has amused me today.

It's strange how when scrolling through Twitter one can be aware of the very real threat of bombs, of shootings, feminist hate, sexism, homophobia, Islamophobia, animal cruelty and poverty yet this is juxtaposed with a collective funny hashtag for an event, a Twitter in-joke, a shared image or a re-tweeted Vine, and you think 'we're all in this together'.

I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with social media, on the one hand I would love to forge a career within it and I think I have a good understanding of how it works, but then with this knowledge I then know all the bad elements that come hand in hand with it and wonder, simply, 'Why?'

I'm interested to see where it goes, how usage will change and affect our lives in the future but it does make me worry for future generations too, the impact that this will have on them and the future they are hoping for.

As old as it makes me sound, I remember a time when we didn't have mobile phones, had to use dial up internet and got booted off the computer when someone needed to use the phone.

May we never go back to that time, at least.

Defining Masculinity

When I was eleven years old I was unaware of the structure of language and the meanings behind the words I would use every day... etymology just wasn't something they taught in relation to slang in school in ye olde Wootton Bassett. So fast forward to when I was a teen and becoming more aware of the world, aware of the different types of people that existed, to the beautiful culture of different and to the stark realisation that using certain words, which I thought were nothing, were hurtful - for instance, my understanding that using 'gay' to describe something negative was, actually, pretty damn offensive.

I wasn't aware of it at the time, obviously, it was just something everyone said, so why wouldn't I do the same? Fitting in. I hadn't grown up, and I hadn't become me. And I didn't know. I've always been curious about language - I once got sent to my room because I asked my dad what a 'wanker' was (Adam, the boy next door, called my brother it. Spot on... I jest haha.) and I was genuinely asking, but such is the way sometimes that if you don't know how to answer, then you dismiss it. (Probably easier, I guess, in the battle of parenting.) 

As an adult I'm so much more aware of the language I use and the connotations that come with it (and having learnt what the majority of swear words mean I no longer need to ask...), and this brings me to my current battle with language and the media and everyday usage of certain terms.

I cannot abide the usage of the following phrases; 'grow some balls', 'man-up' and 'be a man'. 

They are phrases detrimental to both sexes; if you're a woman and you're told to 'man-up' it's saying that you need to become the opposite gender to cope with whatever situation is being dealt to you. That you'll need to 'grow some balls' because being a man is stronger, because obviously a man is stronger than a woman so you need to 'be a man' in order to be equal, or to achieve near status, or to overcome something. Well, FUCK OFF.

If you're a man, you're being told that in order to be seen as strong, or to get through something, you have to adhere to the stereotype of masculinity that is, quite frankly, outdated - hey, guy, don't be emotional or scared right now, 'man-up', yeah, 'grow some balls' because you're not showing the right amount of testosterone and masculinity right now... 'be a man' already. YOU ARE A MAN. YOUR GENDER SAYS SO. WHAT DOES 'BEING A MAN' EVEN MEAN?

It bothers me that there are women who oppress men, there are men who oppress men, there are women who oppress women, and men who oppress women... I don't understand why more people aren't bothered by the usage of terms like this which are in every day usage, but to be honest, I can imagine a lot of people would think thinking about these things is a waste of time... but it matters. 

On the flip side, maybe it's my stereotypical outlook on what I think these terms mean - should I be attaching these aggressive ideas, of testosterone, of being 'strong' to these phrases? Maybe it's my understanding that's skewed....but sadly, I don't think it is. 

10 THINGS I'M TOLD I SHOULD LIKE BUT I DON'T:

I love a list. I love reading blogs which have all the lists. I am basically always on Twitter, checking out links to lists. I love a Buzzfeed list of god knows what some person thought would be fun to write about that day. I always read Cosmo articles, with lists. You see where this is going, right?

However, most of the time I disagree with the content of these lists when it comes to listing what makes a girl tick - what '25 Things A Girl Does Every Month', '11 Things A Girl Wants a Guy to Say' '149 Ways A Girl Will Let You Know She Likes You', '10 Signs You're A Girl' and so on...and I thought I'd write my own list, as half of the stuff I read does.not.apply.

10 THINGS I'M TOLD I SHOULD LIKE BUT I DON'T:

1. Not all girls like to eat chocolate and cry when it's their period. I rarely eat chocolate as it is but you will not find me curled up watching The Notebook with a king size bar of Galaxy, tears a'rolling down my face. Nuh uh.

2. Which brings me on to chick flicks. Don't get me wrong, I like a good girlie film - I'm talking Cruel Intentions,  Mean Girls, Girl, Interrupted, 10 Things I Hate About You, Romeo+Juliet (Baz's version), Pitch Perfect etc - but please do not float the idea of watching The Notebook, Magic Mike, Dear John, or basically anything under the 'Romance' section on Netflix...

3. I don't really like buying shoes or handbags - yes, I have a few of each item, but they are not something I look at, covet or aspire to collect. Soz.

4. Eyebrows - shape 'em, fine; shade 'em, nice; but get me to go to a Benefit Brow Bar to have them made 3 sizes bigger? Are you kidding me, have you SEEN their eyebrows?!

5. Reality TV... Knowing who people from TOWIE, Geordie Shore, The Valley and Love Island are. Not a clue.

6. Having squads. Crews. Cliques. Nope. A handful of lovely friends you see on a regular basis, a few you hook up with for the important stuff, even more that you have to plan 3 months in advance to see and most whose lives are updated via means of social media (and who you struggle to remember are as they've all got married and changed their surnames...'Sarah WHO?!') is probably more like it.

7. Knowing exactly what wedding you want because you've "dreamed of this day since you were a little girl"...we really all haven't done that. If the time comes, I'll head to ruffled.com and see what's up in the DIY section...

8. Sinking away those feelings or relaxing by having a long lazy bath... I just get dizzy, bored, hot and I can hear my heartbeat which I really hate. Hot showers forever.

9. Sparkly stuff. NOPE. Not even a diamond. Can I have that gold geometric thing instead, please?

10. Disney and/or The Royal Family. We do not all aspire to be like princesses or cartoon Princesses or love them for nostalgias sake. Buzzfeed, I'm looking at you...

;)

Post Grump Remedies...

Well, wasn't I a ray of sunshine and joy yesterday!

I kinda make myself laugh by how irritated I get by the smallest things (the day after - at the time it's some serious shit!) but when you're battling the rain and a headache and people are just being ridiculous, you can't really blame me, right?

In a bit of good timing it's the 1st of June today, a nice place to start getting back on track and ridding yourself of all the negative thoughts and feelings that can build up and consume you once in a while (I say 'you', I should say 'one', I actually mean 'me') and I've already ticked off a few of the advised things to do to get out of the funk...

Indulge Yourself
Yes, you're in a shitty mood.
Yes, you know you're being horrible right now.
Yes, you also know you're being petulant and that there are worse things in life than how you're feeling right now, but that doesn't mean you're not allowed to shut yourself in a room, close the curtains, put on a film and indulge these feelings.

Food Prep
I started to get food ready for the week as I'm starting a Herbalife trial today. I've been making good strides with fitness and toning but I need a good kick up the arse to really get on track with where I want to be... I'll be a bridesmaid in two months and those arms are not my friend right now! Peel and cut those carrots, boil those eggs, batch cook that moroccan stew. It doesn't take long and it helps you have food on hand when you're rushing around and losing time in the week.

List Writing
I don't mean lists of things to do at work, leave that shit until Monday morning! I mean to achieve in the week - for me, I need to re-register my car, get a new doctor, send clothes back to H&M, sort out travel for a few events coming up, hen do activities, bridesmaid shoes, 30th birthday present ideas - don't try to do them all at once, but make a list so you know what you need to do set yourself a task each day. Seeing them get ticked off will give you a really good feeling.

Sleep
We all need sleep, it's necessary and it's the best. Do it. Do it more than 6 hours. Don't turn off your computer and then go on your phone (I'm so guilty of this). Stop it. It's unhealthy and you know it.

Stop Comparing
Your life is your life, YOUR life; yes, your friends may have more ticked off on the 'general expectations of what you should have achieved by now' list, but that's their life they're living, you're living your own and if you're happy, then stick with what works for you. If you're not, figure out what's missing (again, list writing - it's a simple but effective process!) and think about what changes you may have to make to achieve it. Easier said than done, granted, but still true.

I would also recommend not drinking loads and then getting said public transport in London on a Sunday...

Grumpy Bitch

I've been in a bad mood today. It might stem from a slightly hungover train journey home this morning, the drizzly rain ruining the collective happy vibe we all had last week, missing my boyfriend (as we all know, Sundays are the worst when you've not got your SO) or just being in 'one of those moods', but these are the thoughts I've had so far today, and I can tell you, I'm a delight...

'You just don't post enough pictures of your face on FB. Really, please - post more.'

'No, German Lady, I don't know if this is your train, because it's YOUR train, not mine.'

'OH, you had a baby? I hadn't realised, what with your 50,689276483927 pictures of them. Congrats.'

'Yes, writing a message on your phone whilst walking down the stairs is A GREAT IDEA, especially with your suitcase in the other hand blocking everyone else's way. Well done.'

'Seriously? The pavement? THE PAVEMENT is where you choose to walk and read and drink a coffee at the same time?'

'Stand on the right. No, The Right. Ah, no, it's fine, we all like standing behind you whilst you BREAK THE GOD DAMN RULES.'

'Wait, what, you bought what? You're crazy, you did not just buy that. OH no, you didn't - you just took a picture of it in a shop and hash tagged it 'swag'. That's totally normal.'

'I need to stop using pubic transport and going on social media.'

Job done.

In support of girls, women, sisterhood, females; basically all of those who own a vagina.

It's funny, being a girl...er, woman, at this age, at this time of life, but I'm digging it. I've never felt more in control of who I am or what I believe in, and I know that sounds like I'm a smug prick, but bear with me.

Basically, I'm loosely doing that 'being a friend to yourself' thing and although I've not had a particularly tough time compared to other people as I've grown up, I've not been the nicest to myself or the most supportive. As a teenager I was one of those girls that the boys grew up around, literally - weighing around 11 stone and being 5'6" at 13 was always going to be a fun experience - and I had my period waaaaaaay early at 10. TEN. WTF. IKR.

So with that, body image has always been 'my thing' - you know, everyone has something, their 'thing' - and this was such a focus of mine for such a long time; the fat, the wobbliness, the stretch marks, the dimples and the hateful, hateful cellulite. Also, I may add, I've got one corker of a nose on me, so my overall opinion of myself was pretty low, but I wish I could have just told my teenage self that the funnest years are to come, that all that time spent staring at the mirror telling yourself how gross you are could have been better spent (shoplifting, kissing boys, getting drunk in the park - I JEST) because as you get older, things just start to... align. Body image, life outlook, opinions, what you deem right and wrong, your social conscience and basically, the things in life that are actually important. Like, day-to-day important; friends, family, *that* person, a career, politics, the environment, your conduct, equality, freedom, morals. Also, at the age of 31, I quite like my nose now. It's very 'me'.

I'm not apologising for or disapproving of teenage me because she didn't know at the time that, actually, she was perfectly fine - she wasn't ugly, she wasn't fat, she wasn't weird, she was just an average girl with a face people seemed to like and a good one liner that could make people laugh (I still do that, right? RIGHT.) That's what is a little frustrating with being able to look back and have this new found....wisdom? I know, WISDOM? Sounds wanky, but it's true none the less.

If you told all of your new midway-to-grown-up-life-knowledge to your old you, they'd never listen because at that age, you don't, let's be fair, and I want my old her to have made her mistakes anyway, to have learned from them and to grow from the outcome. But, if only I could diminish the other bits; the self doubt, the insecurity, the oppression put on them by being born a girl, for just happening to have this as her gender and having to put up with ALL of the shit that comes with that and the wasted years of loathing, because if a teenage girl can be 100% positive in her body and her mind, in her beliefs and her rights, to be so fully aware of the potential in her without all of the other bullshit, imagine what this girl could do.

Wanderlust.

I always say 'I love travelling!' in conversation and listen to every detail of someone else's adventures like that of a five year old at bedtime, squeezing time for another story or little bit of detail with such enthusiasm that you'd actually think I'd never been anywhere but the UK ('What do you mean, 'how did the plane smell'...?') but I was thinking about it....I haven't really. Not like REALLY travelled. I want to, but I always rationalise life and decide that the sensible option is the best option, which is the 'not throwing caution to the wind, spending all my savings and running off to another country' option.

I mean, I have travelled to places - I've been to Australia and travelled there for 7 weeks, Morocco twice (for work but I made the most of it), inter-railed across Eastern Europe for a few months after Uni, visited Paris (tick), basically been all over France with family holidays- oh yeh, had a failed girls' holiday in Spain (it's ok, we decided never again and we're all still friends now) and a school trip to Brussels. Ah sorry, and the last trip away was to Bruges (I loved it. Fucking Bruges.) But, I don't feel like I've really put myself in any sort of situation with...vulnerability, for want of a better word. There were scary times in Eastern Europe to be fair, but the fear of being robbed on a 13 hour train journey through Poland which felt like being in the film 'Severance', complete with a train track through a forest, armed police and a TV crew from a Polish news channel zooming in on your slightly overwhelmed (read 'petrified') face isn't really what I'm aiming for.

I'm talking about completely different landscapes, where the skies are so big you feel overwhelmed and insignificant; where the colours and shapes in front of you are so different that you have to stare so hard to completely take them in...the noise and the traffic and the animals and the life are so contrasting to your reality. Somewhere that the customs and practices change the way you look at a culture, so far from the limited knowledge you have before going. For the food to taste similar, but for some reason you can't quite put your finger on, ten times fresher and better or, even greater, completely like something from a different world, alien to you. Languages that confuse you because there is NOTHING you can compare English, French, Spanish or German to so you are reliant on gestures, pointing and smiles. Soaking up the history, the culture and the experiences of something old and established but new to you. Feeling your heart pump from elation, fear, wonder and happiness...

I definitely need to travel more.


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A Simple Rant About Body Image...Or The Realisation That I Don't Think I Like Meghan Trainor Much.

I know 'Anaconda' and 'All About That Bass' have both been out for a while, but I was thinking about them this morning after listening to the latter on my daily drive to work...two words that caught my attention more than normal this morning were 'skinny bitches.' Skinny. Bitches. It went round and round my head. What an absolutely awful thing to say about someone. And it's in both songs. Skinny bitches.

I'm not skinny, never have been - never will be with the amount of alcohol and carbs I consume - but I am NOT ON BOARD with the constant 'be this, be that' mentality. If you're curvy, great, but that doesn't mean you have the right to insult slim people. If you're slim, also great, but that doesn't automatically give you gains to be mean about the extra weight on some. It's not hard.

Everything about that AATB song makes me go 'eurgh' to be honest. It is NOT empowering to women because we're talking about the body-image-of-an-average-female-in-a-positive-way - it might be 'bigging up the booty', yes, but it's dissing skinny and is also generally insulting to all women in another way. It's just sending such a horrible message. This one verse sums up the whole issue I have with it:

'I'm bringing booty back

Go ahead and tell them skinny bitches that
 -
No, I'm just playing. I know you think you're fat.'

Instead of coming across like 'Oh great, she knows that a lot of us are body conscious and is standing up for womenkind (choir of angels sings 'hallelujah' at this point) by singing about body image in a good way, yeah!' it just riles me because it makes me think she thinks the following, and is sending these messages:

- calling someone a bitch because they have less body fat than another is A-OKAY.

- saying 'I'm just playing' excuses an insult.

- that we're all expected to think we're fat, and that if you don't have an issue with your body then you're, what? Arrogant? 

I hate the self-righteousness of that line especially. 'I know you think you're fat.' How fucking dare you, Trainor.

I have slightly less of an issue with Nicki Minaj's song because I do feel that there's a bit of tongue in cheek when she's (literally) wailing about clubs and buns and asses and the like - the whole song is ridiculous and it knows it, but I still imagine that there are a lot of girls who were a bit like 'Hold up, Minaj - just because my arse wasn't built to twerk and isn't a bit jiggly doesn't mean you can yell 'Fuck those skinny bitches in the club' at me. Repeatedly. Cheers and all.' 

I'm not a skinny girl siding with the skinny community in this blog, I'm a slightly flabby girl who has an issue with the constant messages about what you should and shouldn't be within the conformity of society, perpetuated by the media and ourselves...sigh...

So, in short, CAN WE ALL JUST STOP BEING SO JUDGEMENTAL AND BE NICE TO EACH OTHER AND HELP BUILD EACH OTHER UP INSTEAD OF TEARING EACH OTHER DOWN, WHATEVER SIZE WE FLIPPING ARE!?

Ahem. 

Please?

CDF to LDN

I’m moving to London.

That sentence alone does the following things to me; heart palpitations, massive smile, hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach (I think that’s called nerves), giggling and an insane idea that life will generously present me with all of the answers to all of my big questions…

Where do I fit in?

What should I do?

What do I want from life?

WHAT WILL MAKE ME HAPPY?!

Haha, it seems London has a lot to answer for. But, in reality, I don’t think a magical wand is going to be waved over me but I do think it’s time for change.

As I’ve mentioned before I’ve been lucky enough to work in an industry that has gifted me experience, friends, perks of the job, travel and the ability to work a 12hour day on the worlds heftiest hangover, and it’s been an amazing 6 years. I sometimes think ‘how did I end up doing this??!!’ - it’s crazy to think what I’ve been a part of and there’s so much to be proud of, which is probably why I’m ready to move on.

I’m still petrified, obvs. These nagging questions are on my mind's 3am conveyor belt.

What if I can’t get a job?

What if I don’t make new friends?

What if I just….fail?

What if I end up homeless*?!

*Slightly dramatic.

A friend of mine made the big move 3 days ago and on the day of moving I got a one line text from him which sums up exactly how I feel…. ‘OMG I AM SO SCARED!xxx’. Yes. That.

It's The End. Again.

I'm just coming to the end of a 9 month job and I've always known it, but it's really hit home this week just how much the lifestyle of working in TV is WEIRD.

We live job to job, not knowing where the next one comes from, some people travelling across Birmingham to London, Manchester to Cardiff...just for a days work. Luckily, as a Production Coordinator,  I have had a good run of longer gigs as you can't really PC for a day - there's handover and then there's HANDOVER.

We are unemployed for days or weeks at a time. And we have to be okay with this.

We can't get mortgages easily. Car insurance companies hate us.

We work over a 12 hour day, 5 days a week, making social lives tricky as hell to maintain. People.are.tired. All.the.time.

I may be speaking for myself only to be honest, but we become useless at organising our personal lives, we are allergic to replying to any form of message quickly and we exclaim 'FUCK! It was *insert friend, family, pet's name* birthday yesterday!' on a regular basis.

The thing that I am struggling most with, though, is the fact that I have spent the last 8 and a bit months of my life seeing the 4 people in my team and over 150 crew every or other day, and now, they've gone. The 150+ have just stopped being in my life and in a few weeks time the 4 who I have literally seen 5 days a week for 35 weeks will be gone. I'll be gone. We'll all just be gone. It'll be finished. Then we go on to the next production and start this process of becoming a little family with a new crew all over again. It's so weird.

I've done this for the last 7 years so it's not something new, it's just something that I'm really feeling at the moment as I've been on the same production for two years and if it goes again, I won't be a part of it. Nail on the head, that's what's making me sad...I have production FOMO. Please miss me when I'm gone.  

'If you're not losing friends, you're not growing up...'

Well, that's quite the uplifting blog title, I know, but this was a quote that was doing the rounds on the internet last week or so and it struck a chord with me. I guess I identified with it, and it kinda made me sad because it's true.

Don't get me wrong, I am lucky enough to have different friendship groups dotted around the UK and we come together for fun times (...they're all getting married, it's an epidemic), to try and pretend our nights out won't end up with a three day hangover and, most importantly, when it matters. I have best friends from school and best friends from uni but strangely, not that many where I actually live in Cardiff (here's a nod to you though, Marty, Tors and Scott). I fear I have fallen prey to the curse of moving for work - it is HARD to make friends as an adult and to keep hold of previously made friends in the process of moving away and growing up.

Am I A Feminist?

Emma Watson's speech should be historical. It should be applauded, lauded with praise and bottled, shaken and served to anyone who dares to criticise it and belittle the message the #heforshe campaign is promoting.

If you're not aware of the current feminist storm sweeping the world at the moment (where the eff have you been?), female actors and musicians are leading the 'fight' in what is one of the most important gender equality debates for a long time; it is massively in the public sector and I agree with the goal, I agree that the famous should use their public platform for speaking out that women should have the same social, political and economic rights as men - but I can't quuuuuuuuuite take that seriously when you then see these same people writhing naked for sales in their music videos - 'Yonce, Miley, I'm looking at you. I studied 'Feminism within the Media' at uni so I am au fait with the male gaze, guys ('BUT IF WE CONTROL OUR BODIES AND USE IT THE WAY WE WANT TO THEN WE'RE NOT BEING EXPLOITED!') Ahem, feminism ain't just 'bout that.

30 (NUMBER)

I've possibly had one of the best summers of my life so far and this was off the back of turning the dreaded thirty in February as a single girl - I KNOW. After the initial scraping-myself-off-of-the-floor-pre-thirty-meltdown (with the help of WhatsApp and my friends talking me through the processes of untying my shoelaces, taking my coat off and pouring a glass of wine - which are surprisingly hard to focus on in the throes of despair) I woke up on the day, toasted myself (no, really - brut for breakfast? Hello.) and decided that, really, 'what's the big deal?' and took these steps to a fantastic summer:

- Said 'Yes' -
Hen parties in different countries? Yes. Festivals? Yes. Drinks after work? Yes. Badminton? Yes. Weddings? Yes. Gigs? Yes. Rugby match with just your mates' Dad cos your mate can't make it? Yes. Dates with people not usually on your matching radar? Yes (even if they turned out to be a liiiiiittle bit psycho, YOU LEARNT). Travel abroad with work? Yes. Putting yourself in situations that test your normal boundaries? YES! My savings might've taken a bashing but the fun and experience gained is completely worth it.